Headmaster's Thoughts: July 2020
In this unprecedented time of sadness, my heart goes out to everyone affected by the pandemic or the recent tragedy in Minneapolis. Yet I am inspired by the endurance and persistence of the human spirit.
So, I think it may be time for some of my old, silly, “thoughts” to cheer you up. What apparently does not persist is my dental floss. I want you to know that my dental floss is past its due date. Yes, my dental floss! I thought you would be concerned too. According to the stamp on the bottom of the little plastic shell that holds the bobbin of floss, it expired in December of 2019. That is it. It is (and why does one always think of the “dead parrot” sketch of Monty Python?) no longer useful as dental floss. No more can it clean my gums because it has expired.
I looked at the floss and it seems exactly the same now as when I bought it over six months ago. Dental floss is, well, dental floss. But now my floss’ death has made me take notice, I realize that many of our products have “expired” by dates. I have (if we keep on the tooth theme) various toothbrushes which I take on trips because my electric rechargeable toothbrush is too heavy. This may be too much information. But I see that these unused toothbrushes have “expired” too. Deceased without ever touching a tooth. Oh, the horror!
I grew up in a house where my father liked German Riesling. Occasionally he would have Port or Sherry. Noticeably in wines, particularly the heavy reds and Champagne, the older invariably is the better. Not always, because sometimes they turn into vinegar, but a rare wine or one of the fortified wines go, at auction, for high prices just because of their age. This, unfortunately for me, does not apply to dental floss or toothbrushes. “Who will start the bidding on this 1959 toothbrush?” Very few hands will be raised. If, however, you combined that with the first Barbie Doll (introduced at the American International Toy Fair on March 9th, 1959) the value of the toothbrush would be many thousands. The record for a “vintage” Barbie doll is $17,000. I think that was way past its due date.
I want to add a postscript to this essay. I showed it to Jayme who suggested that I might be past MY “expired” date, and I decided to call Colgate, the manufacturers of the fine dental floss that I use.
I was fortunate. I got Mark, in customer service, who entered into the spirit of the call.
“Oh no, Mr. Stewart, the dental floss can be used after its expiration date,” he said.
“If it won’t hurt me, then why put the date on?” I replied.
“Ah, you see if your house was covered in volcanic dust following an earthquake.”
“Yes?”
“If a Pompeian disaster occurred in New York.”
“Yes?”
“If your house was consumed in some catastrophic occurrence in Manhattan.”
“Yes?”
“Centuries later, when they dig out the contents, they will be able to date your house and the date of the destruction by the expiration date on your dental floss.”
I was momentarily speechless (rare for me). But I came back: “On that basis, why not put the expiration date on everything in the house, like furniture?”
“Of course we do. Why do you think underneath your sofa is a tag that says that you may not tear it off at any time, for any reason?
“That has the expiration date on it?”
“It certainly does. Thank you for your call, sir, and have a nice day!”
He had answered the unanswerable.
I wish you all a safe summer, and please accept that my foolish “thoughts” should not hide my genuine sadness at the events that are taking place.
Ronald P. Stewart
Headmaster
York Prep
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