Headmaster’s Thoughts – February 2017

Sitting is the new tobacco. I thought it was sugar, but that was last month, and it is now definitely sitting. You cannot sit for more than 20 minutes at a time, or it is curtains for you. That is what they say.

The list of what you must do to ensure a disease-free existence grows longer and longer. You must learn a new language, play a musical instrument, never use your cell phone, compete in a ball game as well as exercise for an hour every day. You also must eat a pound of blueberries, a cup of red peppers, and drink a gallon of water. Yogurt, plain of course, must be consumed daily as well as several glasses of green tea.  I am sure you all know about red wine, – old news! – but now it appears that you should only drink one glass of it every day. Just one! Half a glass will not work, and two glasses is up there in the sugar/sitting/tobacco “disaster” agenda. The same goes for caffeinated coffee.  It is very good, but only one cup a day and no cream or sugar!  Vitamins are not in this week but, you never know, they may make a comeback (like some fats).

Naturally, this is all assuming that you will wear a complicated computer on your wrist that will track the number of steps you take every day, and also how well you sleep. To me, sleep is sleep, but not to these computers. Quality sleep is far better than non-quality sleep.  Imagine waking your grandparents and telling them that although they sleep enough in hours, they are not getting high-quality sleep?  What would they say? They would say you sound confused. They would be right.

I have my own solution for a long and pain-free existence.  First, wear knee pads and crash helmets at all times. My studies have proved that knee pads prevent pain if you fall and crash helmets prevent concussions.  With all these people absorbed with talking and texting on their cell phones who barge into you, knee pads and pedestrian crash helmets are definitely needed. I think there is a fortune to be made in the knee pad and pedestrian crash helmet industry. Second, adopt a new psychological attitude; living is definitely the best revenge. It will annoy all those people who irritate you.  Live long to tee others off!  Third, eat! Who knows if it makes any difference what you eat? From the carnivore and Paleo diet to the carbohydrate and the fiber diet I surmise one solid piece of advice; eating is good!  And the same goes for drinking too. I think you should drink something.  Finally, I think that breathing is good.  Nowhere do these clever people say this, but I believe, without hesitation, that breathing is healthy.  And not just any breathing, but quality breathing.  What, you might ask is “quality breathing”? Well the gold standard is this; you breathe in and then out. In and out! In and out! I am going to patent a mask that will tell you how much of your breathing is good breathing. If you only breathe in and never out, or vice versa (only out and never in), my device will tell you that you are definitely not breathing correctly. You may think you are but you would be wrong. My device is going to be a best seller.

To sum up, you need a computerized vomit analyzer to tell you if you are eating correctly, a computerized urine collector to tell you if you are drinking enough, a computerized mask over your mouth to tell you if you are breathing correctly, and you need sufficient therapy so that you can get all this nonsense out of your mind and go and enjoy a carefree life.

Ronald P. Stewart


York Prep