Headmaster’s Thoughts – December 2017

I notice that mixed doubles in curling may be a new Winter Olympic sport in 2018. Cannot wait! All that brushing is so exciting. And the coed factor will surely add a thrill.

It seems to me that the Winter Olympics need some new excitement injected into them to appeal to couch potatoes like me. I asked Jayme and she suggested speed turkey buying at Whole Foods. All the contestants would line up and then off they would go, avoiding the sushi bar, steering round the Christmas Pudding purchasers (or is it “Holiday Pudding” now?) and getting a minimum 12 pound turkey checked out using the fastest of the available checkout lines available.  I countered with speed Christmas wrapping (or is it “Holiday wrapping”?). Every contestant would have to wrap, in stiff colored paper, a copy of “A Christmas Carol” by Charles Dickens (or is it “A Holiday Carol” now?). Extra points would be awarded for neat creases and perfect triangles on the paper. Only one inch of Scotch tape per contestant. Mesmerizing!

Jayme countered with ballroom dancing. I objected on the grounds that this actually made sense. We already have ice dancing, which is fundamentally ballroom dancing on ice. I understand (and this is really not a joke) that there is an International Pole Dance competition and the pole dancers want pole dancing to be an Olympic sport as well. Look it up; I kid you not. If pole dancing is ever allowed, then we will have to move the Olympics on television to a special pay channel (which I am told they have already).

So I discounted ballroom dancing as too logical, and she responded with cooking, divided into a men’s and women’s category. This was getting overly domestic so I countered with speed wall climbing, and discovered that this is actually going to be in the 2020 Summer Olympics (I am not joking!), along with (am I the only one who thinks this event weird?) rhythmic gymnastics.  Amazingly, this is already an Olympic sport and unusually involves dancing with ribbons or hula hoops. Currently, it is a female only Olympic event, but I do not know why. After curling has become coed, surely coed dancing with ribbons or hula hoops should join the list of Olympic sports. I think I may be venturing on to thin ice (with no connection to the above ballroom dancing) when I say that all male rhythmic gymnastics would be fun, just as seeing Ballet Trockadero, the all-male ballet company (I once saw them do a superb performance of “Swan Lake”) can be hilarious.

One really could never end thinking up new Olympic sports…speed tweeting (no current Presidents allowed for this one), silly walking (all right, I did get that from Monty Python), removing all metal articles, shoes, and outer garments and putting them in a plastic bin. No, we already do that at the airport when we fly to the Olympics.

At the end of the day, my best suggestion is blogging an article on nonsense in 30 minutes. I have done this for nearly 14 years and I think I have a real chance to be on this Olympic team. I can see myself standing on the podium, clutching my latest piece of nonsense, graciously shaking hands with the silver and bronze winners (on their lower podiums with their inferior nonsense), with the Star Spangled Banner being played and I up on high, trying to look as though I am about to burst into tears. Now, what should I wear?

Ronald P. Stewart
York Prep